Dissapointments, Irritation and Failure

Tuesday was my father's birthday. When I got home after work, it was only him in the house...the girls had some errand to run. Anyway, I did something I rarely do, just sat and had a drink with him. I don't know if it was the alcohol talking, or he just felt like saying it, but he told me that one of his disappointments in life was that I never joined the military. I really don't know what to think of this. I know he had suggested a few times that I join...but I didn't realize that I would make feel that way by not doing it. It's a family tradition that I dropped. I had the chance, didn't join, and I don't regret it, but still, I ponder what he thinks of that.

My mom is going to take out Kayla and friends to Wet and Wild tomorrow, since it is the last day before school. I get discounted tickets at work, so I told my mom to tell me how many she needed. She said 7 should be good in case everyone showed up. When I got home, I gave my mom the tickets, and sh freaked out on me. Instead of thanking me for going out of my way to pick them up, she asked why I bought tickets...she thought they were only coupons. I explained to her before what they were, I explained again then, but she seemed upset. You know, I always feel that I can't please.

Talking to Kayla a few weeks ago, we talked about how my dad's attitudes are the same as over. He is stubborn (that's where I get that from). I remember he would never admit to being wrong, acted like he knew everything. Even when I knew I was right, he still insisted he was. Because of that, to this day, I have an issue of being though as wrong. Too many times I feel that my views, opinions, knowledge is not accepted. That irritates me.

In a few months, my friend Meredith is going to graduate from NMSU. Look, I'm getting passed by again when it comes to a degree. Even my adviser sounded shocked when he said I was on my tenth year of college. I know I only need 32 hours left to get a degree, but I doubt I'll have it by 30. This is getting ridiculous. I feel like a massive fuck up sometimes. I am determined to finish, but that's just wearing me down.

I don't know if there's anything thing in my life to be proud of. Maybe I'll get something right eventually.......

Everything happens for a reason...

So it turns out to be a really good thing that I freaked out before I got my tattoo. When I started my car this morning, it didn't. My battery was dead. All the money that I would have spent on that went to a new one. At least my car is working again.

A lot of people don't know that at times, I have uncontrolled rage issues. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Vision goes red, I go black, forgetting things sometimes. I nearly chip my teeth from grinding them and I shake uncontrollably...I start punching the floor or whatever is there near me.

I'm calming down right now, and one little thing set me off laughing like a maniac, almost crying... (this is copywritten, being that I haven't seen it elsewhere yet).

In anger management, they tell you to close your eyes and count to 10. What if you have road rage?

Completely Worn Out!

Two friends now gone from Myspace

Letter from Detria today:
Periodically I do read your blogs. It just feels like I'm reading something personal...which I am. I NEVER gave you gave you a guilt trip. I've been trying to reach out to you...with no response. Everything I say or do is left w/o a response from you (texts, voice mail, letters) This is the third time I've needed someone these past 6 months and you haven't been around...that's a guilt trip. If you honestly care...you can always give me a call or just ask Rebecca the person you apparently miss and hope to hurry home soon...not me.

Shocked and incredibly hurt, but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it.

Okay, hypocricy rings :
She tells me she's pissed that I dont' share anything..then she tells me that she's read my blogs, but felt they were too personal. Umm...yeah. And I even created THIS blog so that she could find all the important stuff in one place instead of searching around. Also, there's this little button on the bottom of each post, where you can respond to to it. Numbers responded to by her : ZERO

I didn't respond to the letter...wasn't that the whole point of the original post here? I've already explained the other ones...but now this one too. I also mention what pissed me off, and there she does it again(she may not realize that she's done it before, but this time, she admits it).

You know, yes I've BLOG RESPONDED to Becky telling her I miss her, sometimes she's a lot more easy going and open minded. Obviously, even though i've tried to explain and everything, its not enough for her..because it's not exactly what she wanted.

but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it...shit like that..makes me not want to, and if this is what she put her ex-bfs through I don't blame them for leaving. That might sound harsh, but it needed to be said.

I don't need this kind of stress in my life, so she will no longer be in it. And obviously, I'm some kind of conflict between her and Becky, and I refuse to be a source of conflict, so I am removing her from my friends too. I really think I'm bad news for most people, so it won't be such a bad loss for either one.

This is the end of that, and I WANT NO COMMENT POSTS ON THIS ONE.

Pissed at myself

I am so completely pissed at myself today. I had finally braved myself to get my tattoo today. It took me a full day, but I finally showed up to Tattoo Dan's, and there was someone who was already getting their tat done. As I'm waiting for my turn, I psyched myself out hearing the buzzing of the needle. DAMN IT. I made myself nervous enough that I am still shaking as I'm writing this. Perhaps, one day I will be able to do it..but for now I'm pissed at myself.