Very brief update

I'm wearing a thong... Kidding, not that kind of brief update;). The year is almost over and I'm starting to write my first post for 2017 basically (though I hate the word, and it is inaccurate) outting myself; finally coming clean on the manic depression to everyone, how it's affected me, my sexuality and the willingness to unfriend anyone who is disrespectful towards any other group of people. To whomever still filled me, thank you. 

It's been almost  half a year without social media (well, I do Instagram still and read trending topics on Facebook, but that's basically full stop 😉), and I can say that I can see giving it up long term. Stupid me, I still read what people post on news stories which still riles me up. I really don't understand the hate, discrimination and hypocrisy in the world disposing itself as love and freedom.

My big thing is to try not to let what other people do our say effect my reactions. With the pills that I'm finally back on, the negative emotions are kept pretty much at bay, though I can still feel them pressing against the barrier. The one that peeks out a little more is anger, which is something I always have tried to fight. While I didn't give in to it last night, it did ruin my evening.

El Paso finally got a Geeks Who Drink. I went to the first 2 and enjoyed  myself, even when on the second night I had to sit inside (i still don't do so well in crowds). Last night was going to be a third night, but after 2 things, I left pissed. Between rounds, you have to bring up your scoresheet to the front. Since I was the only one at  the table at that time, I left my drink  and the extra scoresheets, with team name at the table. When I got back, a group of six people moved my stuff to someone else's table. When I confronted them about they said, "sorry, but you got up!". I put up with assholes there who shout the wrong  answers, who are creating on their phones,  or are overly rowdy, but this was to far too go with me. I tried to continue the game inside since there were no seats anywhere, but even standing in the back, I kept seething, and eventually just left. I have to say that will probably be the last time I do the event, because it is too crowded, it's on the other side of town and because I have no time for any more assholes in my life.

Anti social media

                  Anti-Social Networks

I don't feel like I owe anyone any explanations about my self imposed social media ban. However, I've been feeling the writing bug recently, and figured, "what better to write about? "

I am fairly open about the fact that I suffer from depression. I even made a YouTube video explaining how it affects me: https://youtu.be/JB0iHjnIgsY . I have noticed that much of what I read our interact with online has a negative impact on me. For example, a lot of things that I read on Facebook, even from friends, are filled with racist remarks. People calling Obama a monkey; blaming him for things he didn't do. People saying that we should kill all Muslims because every last one is a killer. 

When people differ in opinion, one group calls the other retarded, questions their capability to even achieve cognitive function. I stood by the idea of a trans person in the military, stating that if they wavy to put their life on the line to protect the country, more power to them. Some one recommended that I join the military myself so that I could get killed in battle. 

Sometimes people even bring in religion to bring others down. Just recently, Pacquiao just said those of us who aren't heterosexual are worse than animals and should be stoned to death.  One of my ex co-workers commented the day after marriage equality was passed "l cried today when the law was passed. This world is going to hell". I understand you religion says that it's wrong to be gay/bi, but to say that my life isn't worth living is doing to far. I would never insist my way is right, nor would I ask them to participate in my practices. The differences are what make life so great. 

There have been times that all this negativity on the world has made me question whether I really want to be in it anymore, which is an awful way to be.  And, ironically, even though I know it's bad, I still check every once in awhile, but don't interact. It's like an alcoholic who takes sips of wine to prove that they aren't addicted anymore. (Don't worry, I will not self-harm, and I am back on medications to keep my moods stable, BIG step).

When I use social media, I keep my circles small and expect few if any responses. I do, however, find it disheartening when I try to do things that involve participation, but never get a response. All the time, you see online about people who ask celebs to prom. The celeb'll say yes, fun time, end of story. I tried doing this when I did my first marathon. I asked Lee Pace to meet me at the finish line since no one else was going to be there. I understand that he's busy and gets a crap load of nonsense tweets. I just wish I could've gotten even a "sorry, no" response.  With 69 viewers, I was hoping eventually the word would creep along. 

https://youtu.be/mYP9BE5MvYU 

Same thing with when I tried the Dream Job contest. I was happy I got some votes, but even with pushing family and constant messages, I was still towards last place. These are things that I don't blame anyone on, it's just that I need to learn how to interact more and get people to listen. The first step though is learning how to connect with real people again. I always feel like a bother and tend to pull away if I feel like I'm putting anyone out. When I feel more comfortable with human interaction, I will ease my way back into social media. 

I leave you with some musings on where my life would be with different choices made. I know I've posted it before, but rereading this seems to take the point home.

https://m.facebook.com/notes/eric-melson/meanderings/10152410195199202/?ref=bookmarks

A long journey

Wow! It's been about five years since I posted to this blog. Found it while commenting on another website. I'm thinking about starting it up again and catching you up with what's happened in my life. Five years is quite a bit of ground to cover. 

*sigh*

Today is one of those days when I feel so tired of just being alone.

That is all.

How is he doing?

For the last week, an old friend has popped into my head. Theo. I have opened up slightly to some, no one have I gotten closer to than Theo. I would really like to know how he's doing. I feel like I should know how he is doing. I miss you much bud.

The cause of silence

On Halloween, I had planned to hold a gathering at my apartment, something that I don't often do. 15 people (plus their significant others) were directly invited, and I had let anyone else know they were welcome, too. I did tidy up the apartment, but come 8:00-9:00, I had a feeling in my stomach that this get together was going to be a disaster, and it really didn't come as a shock to me. When 11 rolled around (the starting time of the party) everyone who was going to come, was already at my apartment. Total - 1 (me). The only who let me know why they missed, said they fell asleep, the rest is anyone's guess. Maybe I should be more disappointed than I was, but I couldn't muster the energy to even care... or maybe it's the fact that I brought it on myself.

For those of you who knew me on Twitter, my name was Mrcellophane. It was a description of a feeling that I have often felt growing up, and even in the social networking community, as well as one of my fears. It was the feeling that I was see-through at time. People talk to others and respond, but it invariably seemed that once I said anything, everything went quiet, or my comment was looked over. It can get kind of disconcerting when even YOU wonder if you are there.

It is kind of ironic that me being invisible is my own fault. I have never been able to trust many people completely. Maybe it's because I've been back-stabbed many times. Maybe it's because I feel like an observer, and don't feel like I should interact. Whatever it is,I have been told about the great weekends that people had at work. They ask me why I don't go, but are shocked when I told them NO ONE told me where it was. it's always been the same. I make many acquaintances, many like me, but I don't connect. I think that last time I connected with anyone was in college, but this was a different kind. I got all my emotional connections physically (actually, I started much younger than that, but that's when it escalated. When I realized how detrimental it was to me, I stopped engaging in sex at the age of 23. Occasionally I still partake of the physical pleasure, and I have more than often considered going back to my old ways.

Watching the RENT final performance, I see the cast (old and new) at the end singing about loving people, and crying. Their community was ending after more than a decade. I realize that not only have I never let anyone to close to me, I've never let myself really feel part of a community. Sitting and thinking about it, I don't want to abandon a group of people, nor do I want them to abandon me. Living here, I think this is inevitable, since I've had this deep down feeling that I don't belong here (not quite sure how I mean that), so I haven't laid down any roots. I need to not "detach from feeling alive" even though it's the way I survive.

The reason I think of giving up posting on Facebook for the next few months is to think more on how I view society and it views me without as much intervention from electronics. I need to decide whether it is beneficial or not for me to connect to other humans. Also, I need to get in touch with the universe again. Only recently have I been able to feel the energy from the world again, and I realize while it use to scare me (and maybe sometimes still does) I miss.

Sigh...wish I could care, but right now, I just don't. Would listen, but don't want to push.

I deleted my twitter account and for the most part, I also deleted my LiveJournal account. I have it up, but I will no longer be updating it. I got tired of networking with just 1 or 2 people, it kind of ruins the whole purpose behind it. It's not that I haven't tried to increase the numbers, it's just the fact that half the people I try to talk to ignore me, and the rest are people that I don't want to talk to.

I had a vision the other day which was kind of nice. I had a dream that I had 2 (or maybe 3) kids and I had my mom over for Christmas. She was spending it with my boyfriend at the time. We had been together for a long time, and she asked me what the thing about him was. I explained that I had been stabbed in the back so many times, it was nice to be with someone who didn't pressure me into more than I was ready. he wanted me for me and whatever kind of relationship I was ready for.

Then I had the feeling that I needed to do some soul searching and find out what I meant to do. So I do a card spread, and I should have known it would have been strange...it never works quite the right way for myself!...It told me that I need to do some soul searching and find out what I'm supposed to do, go figure.

Ready to tie on the shoes and run

As the typical Sagittarius, I often get the need to just change things up every once in a while. This is one of those times. I've been at my job for 5+ years, which is more stability than I have ever had. I've also been living in this apartment complex for 2.5 years. It is possible for me to get a promotion at work, but I don't know if I want it if I can get it. There have been quite a few things recently that have indicated to me I need to get the hell out of El Paso. I have come to the conclusion that I will move somewhere else within 1 year of today. I think I want to move to one of the coasts, so I can pursue an entertainment career, I'm just not sure which coast yet.

Misinterpretations

I think that my last blog post here was misinterpreted by the readers...Although I was upset that my birthday sucked cuz I spent it alone, I understand shit happens, even with multiple phone calls/texts, crossed wires, yadda yadda yadda.

The two main points of previous post were

1 - I don't feel guilty when I'm off a couple of days (or months :)) for birthdays.
2 - It's the end of year, this is when BP downer Episode 2 starts for me. This one is hitting hard, so I'm hoping when I do the follow up with my doctor, he can give me stabilizers.

One week off

I had one week off of work, and I hate to say it, but I'm ready to go back. It was a rather boring week. It had some ups...lunch with Mickey, a wedding, having Maria come down. The low point was my birthday. I called Becka to take me out, she said she'd call me back, never did. texted dee, didn't get it til today...I ended up having a beer by myself in a smelly bar by myself. Exciting.

1 week later, Dee still hasn't said Happy bday...not that upset about that, but now, I don't feel so bad when I don't do it on hers.

my 3 month end of the year thing is going on. Should be over in january..i hope.

Quotes and Signals

There is a poem that I have never heard before this week, and no it's shown up twice.

Ascension - by Coleen Hitchcock

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

I like it

"Not all who wander are lost."
But some are. Those who wander the road alone, wishing someone was with them, yet never turn to the ones that are there so-called friends...they are lost.

And then the quote that I need to take to heart:
"Love...as though you've never been hurt"
It's hard, but I've got to.
Was supposed to go to my coworkers post-wedding dance. Missing it because I don't want to show up by myself. Sometimes I get tired of not being a "plus one", especially at dances. I don't want to dance with myself, or someone just standing against the wall.

Dissapointments, Irritation and Failure

Tuesday was my father's birthday. When I got home after work, it was only him in the house...the girls had some errand to run. Anyway, I did something I rarely do, just sat and had a drink with him. I don't know if it was the alcohol talking, or he just felt like saying it, but he told me that one of his disappointments in life was that I never joined the military. I really don't know what to think of this. I know he had suggested a few times that I join...but I didn't realize that I would make feel that way by not doing it. It's a family tradition that I dropped. I had the chance, didn't join, and I don't regret it, but still, I ponder what he thinks of that.

My mom is going to take out Kayla and friends to Wet and Wild tomorrow, since it is the last day before school. I get discounted tickets at work, so I told my mom to tell me how many she needed. She said 7 should be good in case everyone showed up. When I got home, I gave my mom the tickets, and sh freaked out on me. Instead of thanking me for going out of my way to pick them up, she asked why I bought tickets...she thought they were only coupons. I explained to her before what they were, I explained again then, but she seemed upset. You know, I always feel that I can't please.

Talking to Kayla a few weeks ago, we talked about how my dad's attitudes are the same as over. He is stubborn (that's where I get that from). I remember he would never admit to being wrong, acted like he knew everything. Even when I knew I was right, he still insisted he was. Because of that, to this day, I have an issue of being though as wrong. Too many times I feel that my views, opinions, knowledge is not accepted. That irritates me.

In a few months, my friend Meredith is going to graduate from NMSU. Look, I'm getting passed by again when it comes to a degree. Even my adviser sounded shocked when he said I was on my tenth year of college. I know I only need 32 hours left to get a degree, but I doubt I'll have it by 30. This is getting ridiculous. I feel like a massive fuck up sometimes. I am determined to finish, but that's just wearing me down.

I don't know if there's anything thing in my life to be proud of. Maybe I'll get something right eventually.......

Everything happens for a reason...

So it turns out to be a really good thing that I freaked out before I got my tattoo. When I started my car this morning, it didn't. My battery was dead. All the money that I would have spent on that went to a new one. At least my car is working again.

A lot of people don't know that at times, I have uncontrolled rage issues. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Vision goes red, I go black, forgetting things sometimes. I nearly chip my teeth from grinding them and I shake uncontrollably...I start punching the floor or whatever is there near me.

I'm calming down right now, and one little thing set me off laughing like a maniac, almost crying... (this is copywritten, being that I haven't seen it elsewhere yet).

In anger management, they tell you to close your eyes and count to 10. What if you have road rage?

Completely Worn Out!

Two friends now gone from Myspace

Letter from Detria today:
Periodically I do read your blogs. It just feels like I'm reading something personal...which I am. I NEVER gave you gave you a guilt trip. I've been trying to reach out to you...with no response. Everything I say or do is left w/o a response from you (texts, voice mail, letters) This is the third time I've needed someone these past 6 months and you haven't been around...that's a guilt trip. If you honestly care...you can always give me a call or just ask Rebecca the person you apparently miss and hope to hurry home soon...not me.

Shocked and incredibly hurt, but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it.

Okay, hypocricy rings :
She tells me she's pissed that I dont' share anything..then she tells me that she's read my blogs, but felt they were too personal. Umm...yeah. And I even created THIS blog so that she could find all the important stuff in one place instead of searching around. Also, there's this little button on the bottom of each post, where you can respond to to it. Numbers responded to by her : ZERO

I didn't respond to the letter...wasn't that the whole point of the original post here? I've already explained the other ones...but now this one too. I also mention what pissed me off, and there she does it again(she may not realize that she's done it before, but this time, she admits it).

You know, yes I've BLOG RESPONDED to Becky telling her I miss her, sometimes she's a lot more easy going and open minded. Obviously, even though i've tried to explain and everything, its not enough for her..because it's not exactly what she wanted.

but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it...shit like that..makes me not want to, and if this is what she put her ex-bfs through I don't blame them for leaving. That might sound harsh, but it needed to be said.

I don't need this kind of stress in my life, so she will no longer be in it. And obviously, I'm some kind of conflict between her and Becky, and I refuse to be a source of conflict, so I am removing her from my friends too. I really think I'm bad news for most people, so it won't be such a bad loss for either one.

This is the end of that, and I WANT NO COMMENT POSTS ON THIS ONE.

Pissed at myself

I am so completely pissed at myself today. I had finally braved myself to get my tattoo today. It took me a full day, but I finally showed up to Tattoo Dan's, and there was someone who was already getting their tat done. As I'm waiting for my turn, I psyched myself out hearing the buzzing of the needle. DAMN IT. I made myself nervous enough that I am still shaking as I'm writing this. Perhaps, one day I will be able to do it..but for now I'm pissed at myself.

Day 2 of 2 aka Realizations

The second day of the class reunion just wasn't as fun. We went to another bar/club. Most people brought other people...or had kids. I realized yet again, how alone I am...usually by choice. It would have been nice to have a date, or maybe even have a story about the kids. I think I'm also getting to old for the bar/club scene. Everyone else seemed to enjoy mingling. I sat with a small group outside, but even that was making me restless. I guess homebody/nester is my new adjective to describe me.

It's funny how many people recognized me. They told me, "You are the guy who was always quiet, but that was because you were so smart. When we had a question, you had the answer, and we all wondered how you knew that". I guess somethings never change ;). Talking with people was okay, but I always felt left out to a degree....*shrug*

Speaking of degrees, its interesting to see how unsuccessful I have been compared to others in my class. So many have good jobs, 50k + a year, nurses, doctors, programmers, execs. I still don't have my degree. I still don't have a real job. I have an office, but I really don't think that suffices at this point. I wish I could go back full time to school, but I take what I can when I can.

The queen and the straight side came out of me this weekend. I was flamboyant (more so than usual) only cuz I was surrounded by such queens. It didn't feel natural, but it popped out anyway...However when we went to the OP last night, the strippers didn't even make raise an eyebrow, much less a....well you know.

I miss some people from high school, it was good to talk to them. Don't think I'll go to my 20, unless it's somewhere quiet, perhaps a restaurant. And of course, that's IF I'm successful, I'm not gonna be a 37 year old failure visiting 36 year old successes.

Day 2 of 2 aka Realizations

The second day of the class reunion just wasn't as fun. We went to another bar/club. Most people brought other people...or had kids. I realized yet again, how alone I am...usually by choice. It would have been nice to have a date, or maybe even have a story about the kids. I think I'm also getting to old for the bar/club scene. Everyone else seemed to enjoy mingling. I sat with a small group outside, but even that was making me restless. I guess homebody/nester is my new adjective to describe me.

The queen and the straight side came out of me this weekend. I was flamboyant (more so than usual) only cuz I was surrounded by such queens. It didn't feel natural, but it popped out anyway...However when we went to the OP last night, the strippers didn't even make raise an eyebrow, much less a....well you know.

I miss some people from high school, it was good to talk to them. Don't think I'll go to my 20, unless it's somewhere quiet, perhaps a restaurant.

Shot Down.....

In a blaze of glory

I had that song stuck in my head all day today, so I did something that I rarely do. I let my other cojone drop :) I asked my coworker out on a date to day 2 of my class reunion. No response. OUCH. Oh well. I know if you ask, the worst thing that anyone can say is NO.....or say nothing at all :)

I'm gonna head out to Koobah/Groove and groove for a while. I'll give ya'll the whole messy details on my outing when I get back.

We'll have a gay old time

So, I went to part one of my reunion. I should have brought my man from work, being that I was the only single one there. :)....however, I found out at least half my class was gay or bi. It was probably the queerest class reunion this side of San Fran. I had a guy try to kiss me in a straight bar near where I live. That was ....odd...

I'm having fun so far, might go out to the one tomorrow. If i do, I'll be sure to update y'all.

Compromises and Friends in Need

I have a pet peeve with lack of compromises. I've had so many people who want it their way or nothing. A lot of times, they don't even realize that they are being that way. IT's funny, some think that they do, but if they don't get their way, they get all peepee hurt and act all put upon for the rest of an evening, ruining it for everyone.

Denise, my old friend from cruces has been having a lot of problems recently...however I'm not sure whether I can or should help her. It may sound kind of cold, but I'm not sure she needs me. I've try to tell her that i'd be there for her, but she always says she has no friends...I'm ready to make that true. I"m tired of caring for now reason.

Compromises and Friends in Need

I have a pet peeve with lack of compromises. I've had so many people who want it their way or nothing. A lot of times, they don't even realize that they are being that way. IT's funny, some think that they do, but if they don't get their way, they get all peepee hurt and act all put upon for the rest of an evening, ruining it for everyone.

Denise, my old friend from cruces

Dee

I have recently isolated a friend, Dee.

A few months ago, she called me while I was at dinner with my family. She wanted to know if we could see a movie when I got out. I told her "Let's see if there's anything good later". I got home, we browsed the movies, nothing sounded good, and she got upset that I didn't wanna go out (8 bucks * 2 is expensive for a movie you really don't wanna see. She texted me later, stating that she was pissed off at me (With her signature at the beginning of the text...that needs to change).
As I have stated other places, I also DESPISE guilt trips. ... I was getting ready to talk to her again, when I got a text, "if you weren't so grumpy, you'd be a great guy..."That's supposed to make me apologize?

Anwyay I got a letter from her the other day (she dropped it off at my apartment), talking about how i don't open up and how she thinks I might be M-P (figured what that meant just recently). I don't discuss my private life with mostly anyone. I have multiple blogs, which Bex knows about, and we have mentioned around her. Dee just never seemed to be interested. This is the only way I express myself. I have never hidden the fact that I am Manic Depressive (bipolar). I've been that way since I was a kid, and it results in me being away for months at a time. I will be by myself, being that's the only person that I can stand at that time. Last time, I even alluded to the fact that I was going to be in one of my depressive moods...only those who read my other blogs would know that.

The other thing that she talked about in the letter was the fact that she never heard about my dating life. I never gushed about a significant other. There are multiple reasons for that. Primarily, of course, is the reason listed above. The other reason is, I haven't actually dated in 10 years. I've had sex, but never dated, so there is nothing to talk about.

I have had people at work trying to fix me up on blind dates, and that irritates the fuck out of me. When I want to date, I will date.

Speaking of which, in my other blogs, I have discussed that I have a thing for a coworker. We have been semi flirting, and I was going to invite them to my 10 year High School Reunion (how the hell did that happen? :) ). Well, it turns out that it's at Mulligans in NE...that's right, my reunion is going to be where I hange out on the weekends anyway. Woop Dee Freakin Doo!...LOL..>I guess I have no excuse not to go, but I would NEVER invite anyone I was interested in there!

Finally,

One of my New Years resolutions was to get out of debt. Well, I have made 2 majors steps in that. First thing is I (mostly) quit smoking, and put 10 bucks away each paycheck into my CD...I've done almost 300 bucks in saving. WOW. The other thing I did is a bill consolidation loan. I am guaranteed to have all my debts gone in 4 years (but I"m already way ahead of the game!) The other thing is I really won't be able to go out and spend much. Perhaps a movie here (but I 'll only pay for myself), or a cheap ass dinner, but really, it's gonna be cut down. I wanna be COMPLETELY debt free