Misinterpretations

I think that my last blog post here was misinterpreted by the readers...Although I was upset that my birthday sucked cuz I spent it alone, I understand shit happens, even with multiple phone calls/texts, crossed wires, yadda yadda yadda.

The two main points of previous post were

1 - I don't feel guilty when I'm off a couple of days (or months :)) for birthdays.
2 - It's the end of year, this is when BP downer Episode 2 starts for me. This one is hitting hard, so I'm hoping when I do the follow up with my doctor, he can give me stabilizers.

One week off

I had one week off of work, and I hate to say it, but I'm ready to go back. It was a rather boring week. It had some ups...lunch with Mickey, a wedding, having Maria come down. The low point was my birthday. I called Becka to take me out, she said she'd call me back, never did. texted dee, didn't get it til today...I ended up having a beer by myself in a smelly bar by myself. Exciting.

1 week later, Dee still hasn't said Happy bday...not that upset about that, but now, I don't feel so bad when I don't do it on hers.

my 3 month end of the year thing is going on. Should be over in january..i hope.

Quotes and Signals

There is a poem that I have never heard before this week, and no it's shown up twice.

Ascension - by Coleen Hitchcock

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

I like it

"Not all who wander are lost."
But some are. Those who wander the road alone, wishing someone was with them, yet never turn to the ones that are there so-called friends...they are lost.

And then the quote that I need to take to heart:
"Love...as though you've never been hurt"
It's hard, but I've got to.
Was supposed to go to my coworkers post-wedding dance. Missing it because I don't want to show up by myself. Sometimes I get tired of not being a "plus one", especially at dances. I don't want to dance with myself, or someone just standing against the wall.

Dissapointments, Irritation and Failure

Tuesday was my father's birthday. When I got home after work, it was only him in the house...the girls had some errand to run. Anyway, I did something I rarely do, just sat and had a drink with him. I don't know if it was the alcohol talking, or he just felt like saying it, but he told me that one of his disappointments in life was that I never joined the military. I really don't know what to think of this. I know he had suggested a few times that I join...but I didn't realize that I would make feel that way by not doing it. It's a family tradition that I dropped. I had the chance, didn't join, and I don't regret it, but still, I ponder what he thinks of that.

My mom is going to take out Kayla and friends to Wet and Wild tomorrow, since it is the last day before school. I get discounted tickets at work, so I told my mom to tell me how many she needed. She said 7 should be good in case everyone showed up. When I got home, I gave my mom the tickets, and sh freaked out on me. Instead of thanking me for going out of my way to pick them up, she asked why I bought tickets...she thought they were only coupons. I explained to her before what they were, I explained again then, but she seemed upset. You know, I always feel that I can't please.

Talking to Kayla a few weeks ago, we talked about how my dad's attitudes are the same as over. He is stubborn (that's where I get that from). I remember he would never admit to being wrong, acted like he knew everything. Even when I knew I was right, he still insisted he was. Because of that, to this day, I have an issue of being though as wrong. Too many times I feel that my views, opinions, knowledge is not accepted. That irritates me.

In a few months, my friend Meredith is going to graduate from NMSU. Look, I'm getting passed by again when it comes to a degree. Even my adviser sounded shocked when he said I was on my tenth year of college. I know I only need 32 hours left to get a degree, but I doubt I'll have it by 30. This is getting ridiculous. I feel like a massive fuck up sometimes. I am determined to finish, but that's just wearing me down.

I don't know if there's anything thing in my life to be proud of. Maybe I'll get something right eventually.......

Everything happens for a reason...

So it turns out to be a really good thing that I freaked out before I got my tattoo. When I started my car this morning, it didn't. My battery was dead. All the money that I would have spent on that went to a new one. At least my car is working again.

A lot of people don't know that at times, I have uncontrolled rage issues. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Vision goes red, I go black, forgetting things sometimes. I nearly chip my teeth from grinding them and I shake uncontrollably...I start punching the floor or whatever is there near me.

I'm calming down right now, and one little thing set me off laughing like a maniac, almost crying... (this is copywritten, being that I haven't seen it elsewhere yet).

In anger management, they tell you to close your eyes and count to 10. What if you have road rage?

Completely Worn Out!

Two friends now gone from Myspace

Letter from Detria today:
Periodically I do read your blogs. It just feels like I'm reading something personal...which I am. I NEVER gave you gave you a guilt trip. I've been trying to reach out to you...with no response. Everything I say or do is left w/o a response from you (texts, voice mail, letters) This is the third time I've needed someone these past 6 months and you haven't been around...that's a guilt trip. If you honestly care...you can always give me a call or just ask Rebecca the person you apparently miss and hope to hurry home soon...not me.

Shocked and incredibly hurt, but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it.

Okay, hypocricy rings :
She tells me she's pissed that I dont' share anything..then she tells me that she's read my blogs, but felt they were too personal. Umm...yeah. And I even created THIS blog so that she could find all the important stuff in one place instead of searching around. Also, there's this little button on the bottom of each post, where you can respond to to it. Numbers responded to by her : ZERO

I didn't respond to the letter...wasn't that the whole point of the original post here? I've already explained the other ones...but now this one too. I also mention what pissed me off, and there she does it again(she may not realize that she's done it before, but this time, she admits it).

You know, yes I've BLOG RESPONDED to Becky telling her I miss her, sometimes she's a lot more easy going and open minded. Obviously, even though i've tried to explain and everything, its not enough for her..because it's not exactly what she wanted.

but of course I already know....you don't care. Got it...shit like that..makes me not want to, and if this is what she put her ex-bfs through I don't blame them for leaving. That might sound harsh, but it needed to be said.

I don't need this kind of stress in my life, so she will no longer be in it. And obviously, I'm some kind of conflict between her and Becky, and I refuse to be a source of conflict, so I am removing her from my friends too. I really think I'm bad news for most people, so it won't be such a bad loss for either one.

This is the end of that, and I WANT NO COMMENT POSTS ON THIS ONE.

Pissed at myself

I am so completely pissed at myself today. I had finally braved myself to get my tattoo today. It took me a full day, but I finally showed up to Tattoo Dan's, and there was someone who was already getting their tat done. As I'm waiting for my turn, I psyched myself out hearing the buzzing of the needle. DAMN IT. I made myself nervous enough that I am still shaking as I'm writing this. Perhaps, one day I will be able to do it..but for now I'm pissed at myself.

Day 2 of 2 aka Realizations

The second day of the class reunion just wasn't as fun. We went to another bar/club. Most people brought other people...or had kids. I realized yet again, how alone I am...usually by choice. It would have been nice to have a date, or maybe even have a story about the kids. I think I'm also getting to old for the bar/club scene. Everyone else seemed to enjoy mingling. I sat with a small group outside, but even that was making me restless. I guess homebody/nester is my new adjective to describe me.

It's funny how many people recognized me. They told me, "You are the guy who was always quiet, but that was because you were so smart. When we had a question, you had the answer, and we all wondered how you knew that". I guess somethings never change ;). Talking with people was okay, but I always felt left out to a degree....*shrug*

Speaking of degrees, its interesting to see how unsuccessful I have been compared to others in my class. So many have good jobs, 50k + a year, nurses, doctors, programmers, execs. I still don't have my degree. I still don't have a real job. I have an office, but I really don't think that suffices at this point. I wish I could go back full time to school, but I take what I can when I can.

The queen and the straight side came out of me this weekend. I was flamboyant (more so than usual) only cuz I was surrounded by such queens. It didn't feel natural, but it popped out anyway...However when we went to the OP last night, the strippers didn't even make raise an eyebrow, much less a....well you know.

I miss some people from high school, it was good to talk to them. Don't think I'll go to my 20, unless it's somewhere quiet, perhaps a restaurant. And of course, that's IF I'm successful, I'm not gonna be a 37 year old failure visiting 36 year old successes.

Day 2 of 2 aka Realizations

The second day of the class reunion just wasn't as fun. We went to another bar/club. Most people brought other people...or had kids. I realized yet again, how alone I am...usually by choice. It would have been nice to have a date, or maybe even have a story about the kids. I think I'm also getting to old for the bar/club scene. Everyone else seemed to enjoy mingling. I sat with a small group outside, but even that was making me restless. I guess homebody/nester is my new adjective to describe me.

The queen and the straight side came out of me this weekend. I was flamboyant (more so than usual) only cuz I was surrounded by such queens. It didn't feel natural, but it popped out anyway...However when we went to the OP last night, the strippers didn't even make raise an eyebrow, much less a....well you know.

I miss some people from high school, it was good to talk to them. Don't think I'll go to my 20, unless it's somewhere quiet, perhaps a restaurant.

Shot Down.....

In a blaze of glory

I had that song stuck in my head all day today, so I did something that I rarely do. I let my other cojone drop :) I asked my coworker out on a date to day 2 of my class reunion. No response. OUCH. Oh well. I know if you ask, the worst thing that anyone can say is NO.....or say nothing at all :)

I'm gonna head out to Koobah/Groove and groove for a while. I'll give ya'll the whole messy details on my outing when I get back.

We'll have a gay old time

So, I went to part one of my reunion. I should have brought my man from work, being that I was the only single one there. :)....however, I found out at least half my class was gay or bi. It was probably the queerest class reunion this side of San Fran. I had a guy try to kiss me in a straight bar near where I live. That was ....odd...

I'm having fun so far, might go out to the one tomorrow. If i do, I'll be sure to update y'all.

Compromises and Friends in Need

I have a pet peeve with lack of compromises. I've had so many people who want it their way or nothing. A lot of times, they don't even realize that they are being that way. IT's funny, some think that they do, but if they don't get their way, they get all peepee hurt and act all put upon for the rest of an evening, ruining it for everyone.

Denise, my old friend from cruces has been having a lot of problems recently...however I'm not sure whether I can or should help her. It may sound kind of cold, but I'm not sure she needs me. I've try to tell her that i'd be there for her, but she always says she has no friends...I'm ready to make that true. I"m tired of caring for now reason.

Compromises and Friends in Need

I have a pet peeve with lack of compromises. I've had so many people who want it their way or nothing. A lot of times, they don't even realize that they are being that way. IT's funny, some think that they do, but if they don't get their way, they get all peepee hurt and act all put upon for the rest of an evening, ruining it for everyone.

Denise, my old friend from cruces

Dee

I have recently isolated a friend, Dee.

A few months ago, she called me while I was at dinner with my family. She wanted to know if we could see a movie when I got out. I told her "Let's see if there's anything good later". I got home, we browsed the movies, nothing sounded good, and she got upset that I didn't wanna go out (8 bucks * 2 is expensive for a movie you really don't wanna see. She texted me later, stating that she was pissed off at me (With her signature at the beginning of the text...that needs to change).
As I have stated other places, I also DESPISE guilt trips. ... I was getting ready to talk to her again, when I got a text, "if you weren't so grumpy, you'd be a great guy..."That's supposed to make me apologize?

Anwyay I got a letter from her the other day (she dropped it off at my apartment), talking about how i don't open up and how she thinks I might be M-P (figured what that meant just recently). I don't discuss my private life with mostly anyone. I have multiple blogs, which Bex knows about, and we have mentioned around her. Dee just never seemed to be interested. This is the only way I express myself. I have never hidden the fact that I am Manic Depressive (bipolar). I've been that way since I was a kid, and it results in me being away for months at a time. I will be by myself, being that's the only person that I can stand at that time. Last time, I even alluded to the fact that I was going to be in one of my depressive moods...only those who read my other blogs would know that.

The other thing that she talked about in the letter was the fact that she never heard about my dating life. I never gushed about a significant other. There are multiple reasons for that. Primarily, of course, is the reason listed above. The other reason is, I haven't actually dated in 10 years. I've had sex, but never dated, so there is nothing to talk about.

I have had people at work trying to fix me up on blind dates, and that irritates the fuck out of me. When I want to date, I will date.

Speaking of which, in my other blogs, I have discussed that I have a thing for a coworker. We have been semi flirting, and I was going to invite them to my 10 year High School Reunion (how the hell did that happen? :) ). Well, it turns out that it's at Mulligans in NE...that's right, my reunion is going to be where I hange out on the weekends anyway. Woop Dee Freakin Doo!...LOL..>I guess I have no excuse not to go, but I would NEVER invite anyone I was interested in there!

Finally,

One of my New Years resolutions was to get out of debt. Well, I have made 2 majors steps in that. First thing is I (mostly) quit smoking, and put 10 bucks away each paycheck into my CD...I've done almost 300 bucks in saving. WOW. The other thing I did is a bill consolidation loan. I am guaranteed to have all my debts gone in 4 years (but I"m already way ahead of the game!) The other thing is I really won't be able to go out and spend much. Perhaps a movie here (but I 'll only pay for myself), or a cheap ass dinner, but really, it's gonna be cut down. I wanna be COMPLETELY debt free