Very brief update

I'm wearing a thong... Kidding, not that kind of brief update;). The year is almost over and I'm starting to write my first post for 2017 basically (though I hate the word, and it is inaccurate) outting myself; finally coming clean on the manic depression to everyone, how it's affected me, my sexuality and the willingness to unfriend anyone who is disrespectful towards any other group of people. To whomever still filled me, thank you. 

It's been almost  half a year without social media (well, I do Instagram still and read trending topics on Facebook, but that's basically full stop 😉), and I can say that I can see giving it up long term. Stupid me, I still read what people post on news stories which still riles me up. I really don't understand the hate, discrimination and hypocrisy in the world disposing itself as love and freedom.

My big thing is to try not to let what other people do our say effect my reactions. With the pills that I'm finally back on, the negative emotions are kept pretty much at bay, though I can still feel them pressing against the barrier. The one that peeks out a little more is anger, which is something I always have tried to fight. While I didn't give in to it last night, it did ruin my evening.

El Paso finally got a Geeks Who Drink. I went to the first 2 and enjoyed  myself, even when on the second night I had to sit inside (i still don't do so well in crowds). Last night was going to be a third night, but after 2 things, I left pissed. Between rounds, you have to bring up your scoresheet to the front. Since I was the only one at  the table at that time, I left my drink  and the extra scoresheets, with team name at the table. When I got back, a group of six people moved my stuff to someone else's table. When I confronted them about they said, "sorry, but you got up!". I put up with assholes there who shout the wrong  answers, who are creating on their phones,  or are overly rowdy, but this was to far too go with me. I tried to continue the game inside since there were no seats anywhere, but even standing in the back, I kept seething, and eventually just left. I have to say that will probably be the last time I do the event, because it is too crowded, it's on the other side of town and because I have no time for any more assholes in my life.

Anti social media

                  Anti-Social Networks

I don't feel like I owe anyone any explanations about my self imposed social media ban. However, I've been feeling the writing bug recently, and figured, "what better to write about? "

I am fairly open about the fact that I suffer from depression. I even made a YouTube video explaining how it affects me: https://youtu.be/JB0iHjnIgsY . I have noticed that much of what I read our interact with online has a negative impact on me. For example, a lot of things that I read on Facebook, even from friends, are filled with racist remarks. People calling Obama a monkey; blaming him for things he didn't do. People saying that we should kill all Muslims because every last one is a killer. 

When people differ in opinion, one group calls the other retarded, questions their capability to even achieve cognitive function. I stood by the idea of a trans person in the military, stating that if they wavy to put their life on the line to protect the country, more power to them. Some one recommended that I join the military myself so that I could get killed in battle. 

Sometimes people even bring in religion to bring others down. Just recently, Pacquiao just said those of us who aren't heterosexual are worse than animals and should be stoned to death.  One of my ex co-workers commented the day after marriage equality was passed "l cried today when the law was passed. This world is going to hell". I understand you religion says that it's wrong to be gay/bi, but to say that my life isn't worth living is doing to far. I would never insist my way is right, nor would I ask them to participate in my practices. The differences are what make life so great. 

There have been times that all this negativity on the world has made me question whether I really want to be in it anymore, which is an awful way to be.  And, ironically, even though I know it's bad, I still check every once in awhile, but don't interact. It's like an alcoholic who takes sips of wine to prove that they aren't addicted anymore. (Don't worry, I will not self-harm, and I am back on medications to keep my moods stable, BIG step).

When I use social media, I keep my circles small and expect few if any responses. I do, however, find it disheartening when I try to do things that involve participation, but never get a response. All the time, you see online about people who ask celebs to prom. The celeb'll say yes, fun time, end of story. I tried doing this when I did my first marathon. I asked Lee Pace to meet me at the finish line since no one else was going to be there. I understand that he's busy and gets a crap load of nonsense tweets. I just wish I could've gotten even a "sorry, no" response.  With 69 viewers, I was hoping eventually the word would creep along. 

https://youtu.be/mYP9BE5MvYU 

Same thing with when I tried the Dream Job contest. I was happy I got some votes, but even with pushing family and constant messages, I was still towards last place. These are things that I don't blame anyone on, it's just that I need to learn how to interact more and get people to listen. The first step though is learning how to connect with real people again. I always feel like a bother and tend to pull away if I feel like I'm putting anyone out. When I feel more comfortable with human interaction, I will ease my way back into social media. 

I leave you with some musings on where my life would be with different choices made. I know I've posted it before, but rereading this seems to take the point home.

https://m.facebook.com/notes/eric-melson/meanderings/10152410195199202/?ref=bookmarks