On Halloween, I had planned to hold a gathering at my apartment, something that I don't often do. 15 people (plus their significant others) were directly invited, and I had let anyone else know they were welcome, too. I did tidy up the apartment, but come 8:00-9:00, I had a feeling in my stomach that this get together was going to be a disaster, and it really didn't come as a shock to me. When 11 rolled around (the starting time of the party) everyone who was going to come, was already at my apartment. Total - 1 (me). The only who let me know why they missed, said they fell asleep, the rest is anyone's guess. Maybe I should be more disappointed than I was, but I couldn't muster the energy to even care... or maybe it's the fact that I brought it on myself.
For those of you who knew me on Twitter, my name was Mrcellophane. It was a description of a feeling that I have often felt growing up, and even in the social networking community, as well as one of my fears. It was the feeling that I was see-through at time. People talk to others and respond, but it invariably seemed that once I said anything, everything went quiet, or my comment was looked over. It can get kind of disconcerting when even YOU wonder if you are there.
It is kind of ironic that me being invisible is my own fault. I have never been able to trust many people completely. Maybe it's because I've been back-stabbed many times. Maybe it's because I feel like an observer, and don't feel like I should interact. Whatever it is,I have been told about the great weekends that people had at work. They ask me why I don't go, but are shocked when I told them NO ONE told me where it was. it's always been the same. I make many acquaintances, many like me, but I don't connect. I think that last time I connected with anyone was in college, but this was a different kind. I got all my emotional connections physically (actually, I started much younger than that, but that's when it escalated. When I realized how detrimental it was to me, I stopped engaging in sex at the age of 23. Occasionally I still partake of the physical pleasure, and I have more than often considered going back to my old ways.
Watching the RENT final performance, I see the cast (old and new) at the end singing about loving people, and crying. Their community was ending after more than a decade. I realize that not only have I never let anyone to close to me, I've never let myself really feel part of a community. Sitting and thinking about it, I don't want to abandon a group of people, nor do I want them to abandon me. Living here, I think this is inevitable, since I've had this deep down feeling that I don't belong here (not quite sure how I mean that), so I haven't laid down any roots. I need to not "detach from feeling alive" even though it's the way I survive.
The reason I think of giving up posting on Facebook for the next few months is to think more on how I view society and it views me without as much intervention from electronics. I need to decide whether it is beneficial or not for me to connect to other humans. Also, I need to get in touch with the universe again. Only recently have I been able to feel the energy from the world again, and I realize while it use to scare me (and maybe sometimes still does) I miss.
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